March 13 is National Ken Doll Day, so let’s take a magnifying glass to the world’s most famous
plaything boyfriend. We’ve discovered some flaws in the model—here are five reasons why Ken is not the perfect boyfriend he’s packaged to be:
1. His Earring Magic Ken phase (or any phase that involves him going through your sacred accessory drawer—I’m looking at you, Jewel Secrets Ken). “Dammit, Ken, stop going through my closet—I already told you that shade of purple does nothing for your complexion!”
2. Remember that time he needed “space?” In 2004, just days before Valentine’s Day, Ken and Barbie split up. The reason? They “felt it was time to spend some time apart.” Please—any good celebrity publicist knows that’s code for someone sneaking around. And Ken always has that cat-who-ate-the-canary grin on his perfectly molded face.
3. Ken’s not the only fish in the toybox–er, sea. Mattel introduced Blaine when Barbie and Ken broke up. Blaine is a beach blond surfing Aussie (Taurus, for those of you keeping track), who plays soccer, loves snowboarding and skydiving, and enjoys Mexican food. In addition to the abovementioned perfections, he’s a literal rarity–Blaine dolls haven’t been issued since 2006. Ken who?
4. Ken’s clingy and totally threatened by your ambitions. Behind that wonderfully coiffed façade lies a man who is constantly trying to keep up with your awesome careers (and, let’s face it, your excellent fashion sense). Whenever you try something, he has to try it, too—when does he break out and do something independently and for himself?
5. Ken’s package. I’m not talking about the box, folks.