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Hello old chums. Last night we found our artificial prince and the first crown suite princess, Rose, the morning after the premier episode. Fake Harry sneaks up on her while she’s brushing her teeth donning a towel on her head. Once caught, she says, “I feel like a ding dong.” Rose, honey, it is he who should have knocked and please refrain from using the expression ding dong.

The pair enjoy an intimate breakfast “…in the fresh light of day without our masks on,” the Not Prince observes. Feeling brave, Rose gets right to the point, “You’re a dead ringer for Prince Harry!” He plays coy and confesses to the camera that he needs to plant a few more seeds before revealing his name. No word yet on which name he will reveal.

The date continues with a reality show essential: The magic helicopter ride. They land and enjoy a picnic on the beach, during which Rose can’t relax because of the “security guards.”

Meanwhile, back at the manor, the girls hang out by the pool and hope the helicopter ride makes Rose sick. Next, they play croquet while continuing to speculate about the man they’re competing for. Maggie says, “We have to be a bunch of American ding dongs not to know who this guy is.” I’m beginning to think “ding dong” is in the script.

On the beach, Rose is inquisitive, asking questions about family. It puts Decoy Boy on guard. He says, “I’m delving into my Prince Harry portfolio and I need to sell it.” Rose changes tactics by insisting he eat oysters—declaring that they are an aphrodisiac. They go for a swim, and she lands the show’s first kiss. The gentleman demurs, “Perhaps not the way to behave with a royal on a first date, but good for me I guess.” Do not forget, oh commoner, that you are pretending to be someone who was once photographed completely naked in Vegas. Rose is doing just fine.

Once the pair returns to the estate, the girls grab him away from Rose. Rose reports emphatically, “His security is not for show. It’s real!” Kimberly is chosen for a walk. But they are interrupted by a staged security operation. Now they definitely think he’s the prince or, “The son of someone. Some sort of title!”

Kingsley announces that “Sir,” (his pet name for Phony Harry) “has decided that we are to play cricket.” As her final act of being the winner of the crown suite, Rose designates who plays cricket and who makes afternoon tea. Andrea is bitter that she has to make tea rather than wear the tiny shorts and prance around playing cricket.

At this point in the show, I haven’t seen Hoax Harry annoyed—even mildly—with any of the girls. Since he hasn’t got much to go on at this point, it’s the little irritations that those of us who are playing “guess who goes home” must pay attention to.

While at tea, Sir speaks with Andrea and picks up on the fact that “she really wanted to play cricket.” Then goes on to comment that when things don’t go your way, “you have to go with it.” Ah-ha! The first annoyance has been spotted. Shortly thereafter, he goes on a walk with Jackie, and notes, “She’s a ‘look at me’ type girl and I hope there’s more to her.” Yikes. Jackie and Andrea on the chopping block.

It’s now time for the third, and most formal, outfit of the day. The girls dress up and fear the English food that’s served for dinner, such as oysters and snails. Maggie soldiers through, “I put my big girl panties on and I try em all.” Kingsley then pulls Sir away to make his decision. Kingsley asks, “Who do these ladies think you are?” They think you’re the prize.

Andrea and Kimberly are asked to leave the dinner table. Andrea is going home. And despite not having spent much time with Kimberly this episode, she will sleep comfortably in the crown suite. Andrea knows it’s over—she comes into the room already tearing up.

Earlier in the episode Andrea noted that, “Every pageant that I’ve competed in, I’ve gotten first runner up.” Sigh. Always a bridesmaid. Therefore she’s shocked “to be taken out so quickly.” To sooth her pain, she declares the man is not her type, “I don’t usually go for a ginger,” and takes her leave.

Kimberly accepts her invitation to go to the crown suite with a humble, “Are you joking?” We now know that sleeping in the crown suite means you have an early morning date with Trick Harry. Sleep well Kimberly. A man who’s not Prince Harry will sneak into your room tomorrow—most likely while you’re still in your bathrobe.


Samara O’Shea has been blonde, brunette, and currently enjoys life as a red head. She is the author of three nonfiction books—most recently Loves Me…Not: How to Survive (and Thrive!) in the Face of Unrequited Love. Stop by and say hello on Twitter and Facebook.



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